


2001: A Space Blunder

by GGMK



Category: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Genre: Black Monolith, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Gen, HAL 9000 Has Emotions, Justin Bieber Music, Machines Can't Be Trusted, Multiple Protagonists, Out of Character, Paranoia, Parody, Trippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-15 10:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8052016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GGMK/pseuds/GGMK
Summary: Comical hijinks abound as various people try to accomplish things in space, only very, very slowly, and sometimes with seemingly no purpose! 2001 has never been weirder! Parody of original film, crack, 4th wall breaking, and OOC. What more could you want? And yeah, HAL appears.





	1. Apes

**Author's Note:**

> A small crack-fic adaption I did of 2001 a year ago. Honestly, the film is vastly overrated, in my humble opinion. Enjoy.

About a bazillion years ago, somewhere on Earth, a bunch of primitive apes were searching for food in the desert. They were very hungry, and they needed to fill their bellies with nourishment. They had tried eating worms earlier, but that just didn't seem to fill them up.

One of the apes was scratching on the ground, hoping to find some buried food. Some of the other members of the tribe stared at him, feeling sorry for him and his lack of common sense. It's a good thing they were smarterer than Bobby, which was his unofficial name.

A female member of the tribe walked up to Bobby, and tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted, and looked up from his work, only to be slapped by the female.

Earlier that day, Bobby had accidentally kissed her on the cheek. Afterwards, however, he had shoved her away, also accidentally. She had made the ugliest noises, so he had run off while covering his ears. Angered, the female had apparently followed him.

A bunch of the primates gathered around, raising their fists in the air, hoping to see some blood. It would be very entertaining to see the female emasculate Bobby!

Bobby tried to dash around her, but she tripped him up. He fell on the ground, and due to his terrible co-ordination, couldn't get up. Not that it mattered, because then the female sat on him. Bobby sobbed manly tears, but the female gave him a look of disgust, as if his tears were the opposite of manly.

Before they could continue to do whatever they had previously been doing, a loud growl pierced the heated air. Bobby and the female embraced each other in fear, as if one was a cowardly human holding his equally cowardly dog.

* * *

A leopard jumped out of the bushes. It was freaked out because another leopard had asked if it was possible to become a cheetah.

The leopard all too soon realized that the bush he had been in contained poison ivy. Eyes wide, the leopard thought back to the lessons it had been taught by the leopard elders.

_"Young ones, listen. Our gods have told us that the only way to cure a case of the itchy scratchies is to eat a primate," one of the white-furred elders yowled at the pack. One young leopard timidly raised a paw, like he had been taught._

_"Yes, young one? What is it that you wish to say?" The shy cub blinked innocently._

_"What is a primate?" The elders shook their heads in disbelief. One of them coughed up a hairball, and removed a large paper from the mess. Unfolding it, a hairy, bipedal beast could be seen._

_"Never mind, I've seen those around, LOL!" The cub purred. The elders sighed at these young whippersnappers._

The leopard remembered what he had to do. Seeing some of the primates trying to climb trees was funny; he would show them how it was really done!

Yowling like a demon, the leopard climbed five trees in the time it took one of those primates to get a foothold! Getting bored, the leopard grabbed some poor sap by his leg, and dashed off.

* * *

The remaining apes all felt pleased that it hadn't been them, but Bobby felt some remorse; instead of helping, he had cowered in raw fear. Also, he had maaaaybe begun crying again, but he refused to believe it.

Getting thirsty, Bobby ran to his favorite water hole. With nothing better to do, the rest of the tribe followed. Unfortunately, when they arrived, a rival gang was already there. They wore gold chains around their necks and arms! It was awful!

Bobby whimpered, his way of telling the other gang to back off, or else! The leader of the rival gang turned towards Bobby and roared. Bobby stepped back, but his older brother moved in front of him. Bobby's eyes sparkled; his brother was his idol.

Bobby's brother shoved his face into the rival leader's personal space. The leader bared his teeth, but the brother did as well. Bobby grinned; his brother was amazing, the best primate in the world! He'd beat up this lame-o, and get them their water hole back!

The rival leader clubbed the brother on the head, killing him. Bobby was stunned. When the leader turned to face him, Bobby blacked out.

* * *

When he awoke, he was in a cave. Sitting up, he heard a buzzing noise. He jumped up when a crash followed. Running outside, flanked by his fellow roommates, he saw a strange sight; a giant black machine had fallen from the clouds. Bobby feared that it leaked radiation, but everyone else was starting to crowd around.

Trying to assert himself, in honor of his big bro, Bobby ran up the thing and touched it. Nothing really happened, and he soon lost interest. He fell asleep, not even bothering to move back in the cave.

The next morning, Bobby felt different. Trying to grunt, it came out sounding like, "I feel terrible." Bobby clamped his hands to his mouth, before whispering, "What the heck?" He now knew what words were, and it felt so good and exciting. He was a word virgin!

His roommates all looked at him ignorantly, and he knew that he had to teach them the ways of talking and words and syllables. But first, he had to avenge his brother.

Running to the water hole, he was enraged to see the guy who killed his bro spitting in the clear liquid. The leader smirked at Bobby, who yelled, "Stop! Dude, that's gross!" The leader stuck his tongue out, so Bobby pinched it. The leader cried like a female.

"You killed my brother. Prepare to die!" Bobby yelled as he clocked the leader on the head with some random cactus he found lying around. The leader fell down like a rock. Bobby called to the sky, "Brother, I hope you're watching! I went hardcore on this fool's head!"

His roommates peered at him curiously, not understanding his words of wisdom. In anger, Bobby flung his cactus into the air, thinking to himself that his new name should be Moonwatcher. The cactus fell back down and hit Moonwatcher on the head, knocking him out.

But little did Moonwatcher know that he would be completely irrelevant for the rest of the fic! As the cactus mysteriously flew off, it transformed into a spaceship!


	2. Fear of Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our (new) main character has a lovely discussion with his "sweet" family. Heart-warming stuff.

Dr. Heywood R. Floyd was attempting to read some science-related papers that he had brought on his flight, but he couldn't concentrate. The truth was, he was feeling quite queasy. He had a dark secret that not a single soul knew about, which was that he had a fear of flying.

Also, he got air sick very easily.

He was currently onboard a small ship called the _Orion III_. Heywood had originally wondered what had befallen the first two _Orion_ planes, but was too scared to ask. He suspected that the Pan Am employees wouldn't inform him anyway.

Leaning back against the seat, trying to make the ride pleasant for himself, Heywood let his eyes close. His peepers were forced open when the ship shook violently. He wanted to jump off the plane; even if he died, it would be better than this agonizing feeling!

Before he could rush to the window, however, a metallic belt slid across his chest, pinning his arms. He screamed and struggled, but it was to no avail.

It seemed the other passengers had similar problems, although most didn't react with as much panic. Everyone's attention was then grabbed by the arrival of a stewardess, who had a friendly smile, and an old-fashioned hairstyle, the back of her hair set in a bun.

She raised a microphone to her red lips. "Excuse me. My name is Pan. I have been instructed by the pilot to inform you that we are experiencing some rough weather." At this, many of the passengers nodded, completely accepting the situation. Heywood thought they were mad!

Pan continued her almost robotic speech. "Many of you repeat flyers know, of course, our protocols for these situations. These metal bands will keep you from diving out the window. Safety first, after all!" She beamed, and Heywood felt himself grow a bit calmer, despite himself. Another jolt changed that rather fast.

"Are you saying this normally happens?" Heywood questioned, his voice cracking. Pan grinned, and affirmed, "Yes, indeed. It may not be professional of us, but why avoid bad weather when you can plow right through it?"

It was official; Heywood was never using Pan Am again. Heck, he was pretty sure that he would never fly again, period. He liked having his two feet on the ground, thank you very much – unless he was wearing fancy shoes, in which case, a carpet would have to do.

Another dark secret he had was that he had an even bigger fear than flying; a fear of space! Unfortunately, he was currently en route to Clavius Base, which was a US space outpost. To make it worse, he wasn't even heading straight there; he was briefly stopping at some orbiting space station! There would probably be nothing to do there!

What felt like ten hours later (but later turned out to be less than two), the ship screeched to a halt. Even the stewardess tumbled down, and as she did, she pressed some kind of button on some kind of remote that was inside a pocket on her vest. This caused the metallic bands to open, and Heywood used the opportunity to dash out the front of the plane.

The connecting tube was still extending, but so great was Heywood's need to escape the confinement of the plane that he jumped all the way to the building that the bridge would connect to. He held his breath somehow, which goes to show the power of the human spirit. After this wild display, Heywood stopped, coughed inconspicuously, and straightened his collar.

_Good-bye, you small, claustrophobia-inducing_ Orion III. _I will never see you again, unless it is to set you on fire._

With his dark and bitter thoughts behind him, Heywood marched deeper into the station, which had the most dreadfully boring color scheme: white. White walls, white floors, white ceiling, white vending machines, and even white chairs. It gave the place a vibe of being….sterile.

Starting to feel like he had died and gone to some boring Heaven, Heywood jammed his hands into his pockets as hard as he could, just to feel alive. When he did, his left hand came into contact with a small candy, which he had brought to bring back to his young daughter.

_Oh shoot. I forgot that I promised to give her a ring once I reached this station!_

Quickly locating a (white) videophone booth, Heywood inserted some coins, before the familiar jingle of the videophone company informed him about how, "Becoming a member will save you a lot of money," and all that. He drummed his fingers impatiently, before the videoscreen lit up, showing him his precious daughter.

"Hi, daddy," she said, cheerfully waving, forgetting that her hand was already holding some kind of Barbie doll, who would probably complain about how it's hair was getting messed up, if it was alive.

Heywood smiled at his pride and joy. "Hello, sweetie. I bet you thought I'd forget about our promise, the way mommy and I forgot to give you a name when you were born." That had been really embarrassing, how they hadn't noticed until a year later. They had figured that, by then, it was too late to give her a name.

"Daddy, don't you dare bring that up now. You'll wreck this tender moment; see, even Barbie agrees with me," and she once again shook Barbie, to show that the doll was nodding. Heywood smirked; Barbie was the last person he would ever trust regarding family issues.

"Sweetie, is your mommy home? I would like to speak with her too, you know." His daughter tilted her head, pointer finger on her chin, as she considered it. Glancing at her Barbie, as if seeing if her doll would somehow help, the little girl finally replied, "Um, she's downstairs. The postman was delivering some letters, and she took him into her room so that he could deliver them, I guess."

Heywood tried to keep his voice steady. "Would this postman happen to have long, brown hair?" His cute daughter nodded, and Heywood clenched his teeth. He knew who that was! It was some jerk who had been flirting with his wife for many years! That loser was in his house now? As he fumed, his daughter placed her hand over her mouth.

"Oh no! Mommy told me not to tell you!" Heywood, growing angry as he realized the deception, told his sweet, loving daughter to kindly inform her mommy that, "Daddy might take a few years to come home." The daughter stuck her tongue out, showing her true colors.

"Why you miserable little-" Heywood was aghast that his daughter could be capable of being so crude.

"Oh daddy, it's your fault for ditching us in the first place," his baby girl said, in a suddenly much deeper voice. And why were her eyes glowing?

"You demon spawn!" the poor doctor yelled as he realized that his wife was truly evil. His young girl grinned in a nasty sort of way, before the transmission cut off. Heywood rested his head in his hands, and wept for the loss of his innocence. Demons indeed walked the Earth!

Then he stood up; he had places to go. Perhaps he could still find it in his heart to forgive his young (?) girl, one day. But just in case, maybe it was prudent that he buy a gun.


	3. Old Friends and Uncomfortable Situations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heywood makes some new "friends" and stumbles onto a plot!

Stress was bad for the body, bad for the mind, and bad for the soul. To deal with his own stress, Heywood ordered a cup of tea from the white vending machine. After some coughs and sputters, some thick brown liquid splashed into a pale Styrofoam cup.

Pulling the cup to his nose, Heywood curled his lip when he smelled something quite nasty, like sulfur. He hadn't had a drink since the ride on the ship, and he had sweated throughout that flight, so he was very thirsty.

Pinching his nose and squeezing his eyes shut, the good doctor downed the suspicious contents of his cup in his throat. As he forgot the liquid was piping hot, Heywood let out a yell, startling various people who were reading newspapers.

Feeling tears stinging at his eyes, Heywood quickly pressed some buttons on the machine, ordering a cool glass of water. After some choking noises, the machine spurted some dark water into his cup. Not caring about the taste anymore, just the temperature, Heywood gulped it down. The cold drink felt very refreshing going down his sore throat.

A finger tapped his shoulder, and Heywood dropped his cup. Thanking his lucky stars that he had finished his drink already, Heywood turned around, prepared to give whoever startled him a piece of his well-cultured mind!

"Aw, did I scare the big man?" Heywood stared into the eyes of the lady who had just spoken those sarcastic words. It was Elena, a Soviet scientist that he had attended school with. They had been close, but never dated. Unfortunately, many classmates teased them about it.

The way Heywood saw it, it was like two + magnets – they just didn't stick together. He figured it was because they were just too similar.

Elena pinched Heywood's cheek. "You look pale. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that you hated space travel. Poor baby. Here, I have some aspirin, in case you want some."

Also that. He hated her coddling, but he never had the heart to inform her of this. Declining her offer of Aspirin, Heywood changed the subject. "I'm guessing you didn't call me up here just to make small talk, right?" Elena nodded, her face growing serious.

Before she could speak up, a cheerful male voice called out to them. Elena's face lit up like a star, and she ran over to the man in the green coat who was waving at them like someone who had found his two favorite people. On closer inspection, it seemed he was actually only waving at Elena.

Heywood watched them, and averted his eyes when the two began to make out. He covered his ears when the noises became graphic, and finally had to squeeze his eyes shut because the walls were so clean, he could see them in the reflection.

Finally, he coughed to get their attention. The simple action worked, and the two lovebirds stopped their public display of affection, although they didn't even look self-conscious or embarrassed.

_Do most scientists have no shame? I think I have some, my episode on the ship aside._

"Excuse me. My name is Dr. Smyslov. I work closely with Elena – very, very closely." He chuckled, and stopped when he realized that his joke of questionable taste had been a flop with his audience. He grinned sheepishly, and opted to take out some papers from his coat pocket.

Realizing the papers were for him, Heywood snatched them from Smyslov's hands. As he speed-read through the papers, he came to realize that this was about – THAT incident!

"I can see it in your eyes. It's about THAT incident, right?" Elena had that glint in her eyes, the one that showed when she was very curious about something. Heywood felt himself sweating, knowing that he was about to get bombarded with questions.

"Yes, this is about THAT incident!" Smyslov said importantly.

"OK, OK, enough. Shut up, I'm already sick of hearing people talk about the incident so dramatically," Heywood butted in irritably. By gosh, if he had to hear one more person act as if the incident was the most mysterious thing since the Bermuda Triangle, he'd burst.

"Well, we heard that something odd happened at Clavius. Can't you elaborate, at least to me?" Elena batted her eyelashes.

_Ha, she thinks she can pull that on me. Her tricks may work on a loser like Dr. Smyslov, but not on me!_

The truth was, in better circumstances, he would have explained to both of them why he was being so secretive. But the truth was….he didn't even know what had happened on Clavius Base, which was why he was heading to that location in the first place! Even if someone were somehow able to read his mind, he wouldn't be able to leak anything.

Looking now, at his friend, and her close friend, he felt regret for not being able to tell them anything. He also regretted that he couldn't kiss her. Finally, he regretted being born with a fear of space. Suddenly, he felt the blood leave his face.

"G-guys, can we move away from the window for a bit. I don't feel so good." Elena and her boyfriend stared at him in concern.

"You look even paler than before. What is wrong with you?" Elena was also sensitive.

"C'mon, you know I don't like being near a window when I'm high up. I'm liable to lose my lunch or something." Heywood chuckled, trying to make light of it, but he knew he sounded fake.

"Now now, calm down. There is nothing out there, and I'll prove it!" Dr. Smyslov confidently walked up to the large, rectangular window and peered out.

"Hmm, I see some asteroids, another ship leaving, and a bunch of stars. There is – oh dear!" Elena asked him what was wrong, but Smyslov tried waving her away. Trading glances, Elena and Heywood both shoved Smyslov aside to look out the window. To their fascination, some poor guy was banging on a nearby window. When he saw them staring, he gestured at them wildly.

"He must have fallen out, the poor dear," Elena moaned sadly. Heywood backed up quickly.

"That is why I hate being in space. THAT COULD BE ME OUT THERE!" With that, he broke into a panicked run down a white hallway. The carpet was white as well, but Heywood put that in the back of his mind for now.

He had to escape, to get back to Earth somehow! He felt like the walls and floor of the station could break away any minute, sending him into the cold embrace of the universe. He had taken counseling for his problem, but it had never seemed to do him any good.

Trying to remember what methods he had practiced to calm down, Heywood slowed down. Unfortunately, he came up blank. Muttering dark things to himself, Heywood opened a nearby door, surprised to find himself face-to-face with a stone-faced security guard.

The guard grabbed Heyman by the wrist, and growled, "You're wanted on Clavius Base. Do not attempt to escape!" A screaming Heyman was dragged down the hallway, his demands for a lawyer and his mommy ignored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have uploaded the whole fic by the end of next week.


	4. A Relaxing Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero has been kidnapped, but at least he gets to take a relaxing plane ride...

Heywood had to be strapped down to his seat, as he struggled like a wild beast. He didn't want to ride another ship, but unfortunately, it was necessary to get to Clavius after the small pit stop. His veins bulged as he attempted to rip out the bands around his wrists, but he simply lacked the muscle power.

"If it is any consolation, we'll be here." Heywood mentally groaned when he remembered that this time, he would be accompanied by Elena (who had cheerfully uttered that sentence) and Smyslov, who was idly flipping through a shopping catalog that was hidden behind each seat.

"Please, can't you at least drug me or something? I'd rather not be conscious!" He hoped his begging would get through to his friends, or at least the various personnel, but everyone had apparently gone deaf. They all smiled at him, as if he were a child.

As he stared at them in disbelief, trying to will himself to shoot some kind of energy beam from his eyes, he noticed the problem; they all had ear plugs! In frustration, he banged his head on the head-rest behind him.

A few minutes later, and Heywood was sweating bullets. "How much longer until we reach Clavius?" he whimpered. It seemed that Elena could read lips, because she sympathetically patted his hand and softly answered, "Oh dear, we haven't even lifted off yet. I'll go get you a drink."

She left her seat, presumably to ask for some water. Heywood sighed, before her words sunk in. His eyes shot wide open, and his mouth mirrored them.

_No no no no no no no no no no no. We haven't even started our journey? Oh celestial beings who are watching, strike me with lightning and kill me now!_

His chaotic wish brought up by fear was not granted. Instead, he was informed that someone would be sitting next to him on the trip.

_Well, perhaps some company won't be so bad. I can talk to this person (assuming they don't have ear plugs), and maybe that will keep me distracted from the fact that I am terrified out of my mind. Yes, this could be what I need._

A few moments later, and a mild-mannered man with glasses approached the scared doctor. He bowed politely, before introducing himself as Mr. Xpen Duble.

"Hello, Mr. Duble. I hope I am good company, but I fear that I may be hard to get along with." Heywood wanted to make sure that this gentleman didn't get his hopes up that he would be conversing with a sociable person.

Mr. Duble smiled slightly, before settling in his comfy, red-colored seat. He sighed, before leaning down to the ground. Heywood thought the man must have dropped something, but when Xpen came back up, he was holding two clean shoes, and two black socks.

"What are you doing?" Heywood said, starting to grow suspicious. Xpen grinned, before saying, "My feet need fresh air, or they start to sweat."

Soon, a smell started to waft up to Heywood's nose. It was very unpleasant, and Heywood was starting to think that perhaps sitting alone would have been preferable.

"Could you please put your shoes back on, please? This ship smelled perfectly fine before you arrived." Mr. Duble looked miffed at the accusation.

"I will have you know, I took a shower this morning. I couldn't possibly stink, my good man. What do you have to say about _that_?" He lifted his nose, the sign of a man who had proven his point to a mere pauper.

Seeing that he would get nowhere fast with this man, Heywood tried motioning to his friends over on the next aisle, but the ship lurched, and he banged his head on the seat in front of him. Dazed, he lay back against his chair, frightened due to the fact that he suddenly couldn't move his body!

Mr. Duble glowered at him. "Please don't make a habit of banging things with your head. That would be quite annoying." He signaled to the attendants, and asked for a glass of wine. Being told there were no alcoholic beverages sold on the flight, he was forced to settle for apple juice.

The waitress then turned to Heywood. "What would you like, sir?" Unfortunately, he could not answer. After a few moments, the lady frowned, and walked away, muttering under her breath about weirdoes.

At the moment, Heywood found that he could only move his eyes. He tried to send Duble a signal with his eyes. Duble, who had just received a nasty paper cut from the catalog, glared at Heywood.

"Are you rolling your eyes at me? That's it, put up your dukes!" Duble raised a fist, and punched Heywood in the head. Heywood felt like a photographer had taken a bright photo at point blank. Still, he could move again, and he was going to nail this sunnuva gun!

Heywood, who was stronger than he thought, raised himself off his seat using his arms, and kicked Xpen dead in the chest with both feet. Duble coughed loudly, before falling back – and out the window! The crash went unnoticed by most of the passengers, who were still rocking the ear-plugs.

Luckily, the more recent ships were equipped with automatic window-closers! If a window broke during a flight, a metal board went over the window, keeping all oxygen inside. Despite being made of steel, it was also see-through, so Heywood could see Duble banging on the window. Heywood smiled, and lowered the blind.

Leaning back on his chair, Heywood felt peaceful and content. He was no longer shaking, or sweating bullets. His fear of space travel had seemingly been cured, and all thanks to that Mr. Xpen Duble.

"Oh!" Heywood chuckled. "Xpen-Duble. I get it. I see. He may as well have been called Mr. Reds Hurt. Heh heh." He gave a thumbs up to Elena, who grinned back at him. She nudged Smyslov, who started, before promptly falling asleep again.

After they landed, Heywood skipped the luggage-retrieval section; he hadn't brought any suitcases or backpacks. He wasn't a man who owned many possessions.

He dashed to the meeting room, where he was apparently wanted to "explain" some things. Entering the stuffy room ( _did no one open a window_?) he strode to the front of the room, where a podium and microphone had been set up.

In front of the crowd, which mainly consisted of stuffy-looking people in business suits, Heywood cleared his throat. He grabbed the mic and pulled it closer to his mouth, wanting the whole room to hear the important words he was going to say.

"I was told to come here and report something about mysterious happenings. All I can say is: I have no idea what the heck is going on. Bye!" With that, he dashed out of the room, ignoring the various shouts of surprise and scattered cat-calls behind him. He was free now. Free to go home!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, our confused protagonist discovers the reason for his kidnapping. He should have brought earplugs.


	5. The Black Thingy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were some things man was not meant to see. There were some sights so horrifying that it could destroy your mind. And there are some sounds so distasteful that it can leave you shattered.

Heywood should have known it wouldn't be that simple. Upon trying to dash out of the room, he was grabbed by two beefy guards, and when he tried to call for help, a cloth filled with chloroform was thrust in front of his nose.

Heywood mentally prepared himself to hold his breath as much as he could. About ten seconds later, he had to admit defeat as he gasped for beautiful air. He went out like a light, his final thoughts being, _I hope I wake up on earth_.

When Heywood came back to the land of the conscious, he found himself on a not-very-comfortable cot, and with no blanket to boot!

Getting up from the bed slowly, due to a migraine that was starting to build up, Heywood shuffled his feet into some black slippers that were on the ground.

Walking in front of the automatic door, he felt heat blast into his face. No doubt his room was the only one in this place that didn't have a heater.

The hallway was filled with various people rushing around. Most of them wore lab coats. Getting a sinking feeling in his stomach, Heywood rushed to a window, and saw only stars.

Heywood wanted to pound on the window and sob, but he had too much dignity for that. Instead, he opted to slide to the ground, hold his head in his hands, and laugh. The people who were rushing began giving him a wider berth.

A man wearing prescription glasses appeared out of nowhere and placed a gloved hand on Heywood's shoulder.

He asked Heywood a question, but it was in Russian. Heywood shrugged, the universal gesture of, "I don't know." The man laughed, and said, "Da, you'll have to excuse me. I forget that some of the people on this ship don't speak my language. I speak English good, though."

"Why am I here? And where IS here?" Heywood wasted no time in asking. He thought that his job was already done. The Russian scientist clicked his tongue, before responding, "We are on Clavius Base."

Heywood cursed. "This is the place I was trying to avoid." He wondered if his near hysteria could be heard on his voice.

"As for why you are here, well…there is anomaly. And you, my friend and comrade, are one of the ones chosen to investigate this." Heywood asked if he had a choice in the matter. The reply was negative.

"Will I get paid for this?" Heywood at least wanted to know if he'd be reimbursed for his troubles.

"Eh, no." Heywood sighed, but he was slowly getting used to life's disappointments. Raising himself up and attempting to look professional, Heywood began walking briskly down the hall.

Over his shoulder, he called to his new Russian friend. "Well, then you can explain to me the details as we walk." Heywood was pleased with himself for not stuttering, but the Russian gave him an odd look.

"That is fine, comrade. However, we will be heading in the opposite direction." Heywood, not missing a beat, quickly angled himself towards the opposite hallway.

"I knew that, of course. I was just testing you." Heywood was a fast thinker when he had to be – as a kid, he had to always fast-talk his way out of dangerous situations involving bullies – and this led to one of his nick-names…Fast-Thinker! What it lacked in imagination, it made up for being sufficient and apt.

As they walked to their destination, Koliv (the Russian scientist) explained the situation to Heywood.

Basically, some astronauts had gotten drunk and decided to go on a joyride using a 4 billion dollar shuttle. They crashed, but by the good fortune of space, no one was injured. When the idiots left the ship to explore, they found a black….thing. They weren't sure if it was a ship, or a large needle.

Since the men were still drunk, most people didn't take their claims seriously – especially after the men swore that the thing had emitted the ugliest sound that they had ever heard. The men were fired, sent to a rehab center, and never heard from again.

"So," Koliv finished up, "a small team, led by you and I, will head to this black object and discover just what makes it tick." Heywood, who was listening intently, raised a hand.

"But…why me?" Koliv laughed, a sound amplified by his large girth.

"Because the higher ups like screwing with you." At Heywood's dejected look, he quickly added, "I'm kidding. How should I know, eh?"

A few minutes later, and Heywood found himself in the loading docks. He turned to his partner. "Punch my lights out." Koliv gave him a look of disbelief.

"I can't stand flying in space. Please, just hit me really hard." Koliv shrugged, and punched Heywood in the face, his fist and muscles hardened from years of hard, Russian work. Heywood didn't feel a thing as he collapsed.

When he woke up (something he was doing a lot of lately), Heywood was glad to see that his seat-belt was fastened tight. "Safety first," he whispered before giggling. Koliv place a calloused hand on his forehead.

"You don't seem to have a fever," he muttered. Heywood swiped the man's hand away, in the universal gesture of, "Leave me alone, I'm fine."

"Are we there yet?" Heywood asked. Koliv shook his head, forehead scrunched up in anxiety. Heywood immediately grew suspicious. After unbuckling himself, he ran to one of the small, round port-hole windows. The stars were outside, of course, but they were mobbing very slowly.

"Why the heck are we moving so slowly?" Heywood screamed. Two of the random crew-members had to grab him.

"I just like going really slow, for the scenery," the nameless driver admitted, his two-buck teeth giving the illusion that he was a hedgehog.

"But what is the point? It's boring, takes forever, and my attention span is threatening to leave me!" Heywood wanted these men to see sense.

The driver's eyes hardened. "I am the driver, and I say that we stay on this level of speed." Heywood purposely hit his head on the nearest wall, knocking himself out once again, hoping that they would have made more progress when he next woke up.

When his peepers popped open, they had finally made it. Forcing on a space-suit, which would give him some of that handy oxygen stuff, he disembarked from the ship, hopping around like a space bunny.

The view was breathtaking – or at least it would have been if that ugly monstrosity wasn't in the way! It looked like a dark tower, only with no discernible features whatsoever.

The other crew-members didn't share the same opinion, as they had brought a camera to take pictures.

"Man oh man, this is gonna be one heck of a shot!" One of the younger crew members motioned for everyone to pose in front of the monolith. Heywood crossed his arms.

"Let's not and say we did, OK? I just want us to hurry up and study or dissect or whatever we're planning to do to this thing!" He didn't care if he sounded like a coward; if there was one thing he hated more than space travel, it was ACTUALLY BEING IN OUTER SPACE WEARING ONLY A SUIT! If he was feeling panicky, he hoped that his "friends" would understand.

"Someone, get him out of the shot. If he isn't going to pose, I don't want him around!" Heywood stomped a few paces away, mad that no one ever listened to him. Trying his best to ignore the clicking and whirring noises that the dumb camera made ("How did the sound travel in space?"), Heywood began whistling under his breath. There was no tune to it, he was just bored.

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble. The poor sap dropped his camera, but apparently had enough mad soccer skills to quickly kick it back up to his arms.

"What is going on?" Koliv shouted, his face red from the exertion. Heywood opened his mouth to answer, when a loud noise began to fill their ears.

Heywood screamed, but he knew the desperate sound wouldn't be heard over the din that seemed to be coming from the black object. The noise was horrible; it was like nothing that any human could imagine. It made Heywood want to die!

He tried to cover his ears, before remembering that he had a helmet on. Falling to his knees, Heywood raised his arms towards the sky, crying out. The noise, which was somewhat vaguely similar to music, began the second verse, which featured repetitive lyrics.

"Baby, baby, baby, baby~"

"Make it stop, anyone!" the young astronauts cried out in vain. The horrible Justin Bieber song wouldn't stop, couldn't stop.

Heywood knew that he would never be seen or heard from again. He only wished that he could have warned the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If good music can calm the soul, bad music can shatter it. Anyway, come back next time as we switch to a new protagonist.


	6. I'M ON TV!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David Bowman becomes our new main character, but we all know you came here to see HAL flirt with a human.

David Bowman was bored. The things he would do for a simple paperback book were too embarrassing to admit.

He and some fellow scientists were currently en route to Jupiter, on a large ship named _Discovery One_. David had long forgotten the reason for the trip, but he assumed it had to be for a good cause.

Running his fingers over the cool metal of his seat, David tried humming a tune in time with his fingernails making small clinking noises on the seat. It got tedious a few minutes later.

The door to the room silently opened, letting some fresh air in. Frank Poole entered along with the burst of wind, writing something on a notepad.

"How are the others?" David was hoping the others would join them soon. Frank sighed.

"They're still under, I'm afraid." When the _Discovery One_ had launched, the whole crew had been placed in suspended animation. So far, David and Frank had been the only two to wake up, and it was getting mighty lonely.

"If we slapped them awake, would that work?" David was only half-serious, but Frank rapped him on the head.

"You know as well as I do that waking them up prematurely could be dangerous to their mental state." Shaking his head, Frank walked towards one of the windows, which gave a perfectly good look at the star-filled space around them.

"I will never cease to be amazed at the beauty," Frank whispered.

Rolling his eyes, David couldn't help but mutter, "Oh, just shut up and go marry it." Frank whirled on David, his lab coat floating a bit in the low gravity.

"I just might!" Frank rushed at David to strike him, but he was interrupted by a monotonic voice.

"Frank, please do not strike David. David, please do not enrage your partner." Both men looked down in shame. Being scolded by the disembodied voice of a computer was never fun, and was usually a humbling experience.

"Sorry, Hal," David and Frank mumbled sulkily. HAL 9000, which was the computer's true name, was the most important member of the ship, a fact that it loved to rub in frequently.

HAL 9000 handled everything on the ship, from the oxygen control, to the gravity control, to the flight controls, to the food that they ate. It also handled the suspended animation tanks, which meant that David needed to convince HAL to slap his other friends awake.

"David and Frank, I would like to draw your attention to the television screen I am about to show you." Following the calm order, a fancy flatscreen TV emerged from the console like a large floppy disk. David leaned in to get a better look, and could feel his partner do the same besides him.

The channel was a news-based one, and David was about to complain about how boring the channel was, only to be stopped by the realization that the person who was speaking on the screen was himself!

He and the female interviewer were both sitting in a café that overlooked a pond. Each had a steaming cup of coffee placed on the table in front of them.

"So, Mr. Bowman, are you nervous about your upcoming flight to Jupiter?" Bowman saw himself smile brightly at the pretty lady, before assuring her that he wasn't the least bit scared. After all, he had HAL with him.

The lady turned to the screen to address the viewers. "For those who don't know, HAL 9000 is a super-advanced computer program that can do anything, including cooking. Ladies, he is on the market." David saw himself grimace.

"In fact," the reporter continued, oblivious to the storm brewing in David's heart, "HAL is so smart, I have decided to interview him instead of his stupid human partner. HAL, would you like to speak to the audience?"

David saw himself jump in his seat when a tedious voice seemingly spoke from his watch. "I would love to."

Frank laughed at David's reaction, before being silenced by an elbow to the cheek.

"Shush, I am trying to listen to this," HAL growled in a surprisingly emotional way. David and Frank looked at the computer in shock.

"Ahem. I meant, please quiet down. This interview could be intellectually stimulating for the both of you." Knowing that he had just been insulted, David frowned.

Back on the TV, HAL was explaining why it was indeed the best computer in the world.

"I am foolproof, which is a good thing considering the humans I am dealing with." The reporter giggled, and David sternly tapped his watch.

"Also, I never make mistakes, I never lie, I have a very nice voice if I say so myself, I can create a solid, 3D holographic image that is also very handsome, I can sing, and I absolutely love humans." The reporter, who had been running her hands through her hair in bliss, quickly regained her composure.

"Forgive me, but that voice is so yummy. Anyway, what do you think the best part of this trip will be?" She placed the microphone near David's watch.

HAL paused, as if to consider the question, before replying, "Getting to bond with David and the other crewmembers aboard the ship. I feel it will be an enlightening experience."

Blushing, the reporter asked one final question. "HAL, is it true that you have emotions." There was a pause, and David's watch began glowing with a crimson light.

"Baby, you know I do," HAL crooned, making the reporter hide her head in her hands and squeal.

David stood up, quickly muttering that the interview was over, before running off.

Frank laughed at the display, before David smashed the TV screen with a soda bottle.

"HAL, you monster! Why'd you show us that embarrassing video?" David waited for HAL's answer, panting from the exertion it took to throw objects and yell loudly. HAL didn't deign to answer, and instead turned itself on standby mode. David could tell because the red light blinked every dozen seconds.

"What a jerk! I oughta rip out its circuits!" David made to grab HAL, but Frank grabbed his arm.

"David, violence isn't the answer. You know that as well as I do. The answer always involves using your intellect." David shook Frank off and stomped off to the kitchen. Whenever he was mad, he found that digesting space food always helped.

However, HAL also ran the refrigerator, and kept the food from spoiling. David always suspected that the computer didn't actually like humans, and his suspicions were confirmed when he opened the fridge door.

The food was all spoiled, and a bunch of flies had somehow gotten in. David screamed for HAL, who appeared on a small screen on the refrigerator's door.

"David, what seems to be the matter?" David explained the problem as angrily as he could.

"It seems to me that this is a case of….human error."As David seethed, he could swear that he heard HAL chuckle in an evil manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: A fist fight, and icky space food.


	7. Space Food is Delicious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions begin to rise on the ship. It's only partially the fault of the food.

The sleeping scientists still hadn't awoken, so it was a lonely David and Frank who found themselves eating alone at the main table. The space food was barely tolerable; most of it was nothing more than pink paste that was filled with "meat extract" or "soup extract" or even "ice cream extract".

"You know, I almost wish that I was in a state of suspended animation. At least then I wouldn't have to eat this glop," David deadpanned, before stuffing another spoonful of the meat-flavored concoction. It tasted like cold bacon.

"Yes, but you would have to be fed through a tube. Does that sound fun to you?" Frank, as usual, was the reasonable one. David, who was self-admittedly immature, flung some of the gooey paste at Frank's face. He missed by a small margin, and the sloppy food ended up stuck in Frank's brown hair.

"You can be such a baby sometimes, you know that?" Frank grumpily wiped his hair with an embroidered napkin, but the effects were minimal. If anything, Frank only succeeded in spreading the space food deeper into his hair.

David's amused laughter was cut short when a beeping noise suddenly sounded through the room. HAL always made sure to announce its presence using that annoying sound effect.

"David, Frank, I am saddened to report that the device which controls the ship's antenna is damaged. As I have no physical body, I ask that you two go and fix it." The emotionless voice didn't seem to contain any less-than-honorable intentions, so David shrugged before getting up from his seat. The food was no good anyway.

Putting on their fancy space suits, David and Frank slowly drifted out of the ship, so that they could locate and retrieve the device. They slowly approached the device, and slowly wrapped their hands around it so that they could slowly bring it to the ship.

"Why are we moving so slowly? It took us like half an hour to reach this stupid thing," David complained.

"For once, I agree with you. This shouldn't have to take such a long time. It is quite tedious!" Sighing, the two men gradually floated back towards the door that led to the oxygen-filled environment that was there ship. _Discovery One_ never looked so beautiful.

* * *

After studying it in the lab, Frank came to the conclusion that the device wasn't damaged.

"In other words, HAL fudged up!" David was excited at the prospect of the smart-aleck computer actually being wrong!

"No, David, I did not. I believe this was a classic case of what I like to call human error." HAL's voice gave David the impression that it was sneering at them, just because they were human beings.

"How is this our fault, you circuit-brained weirdo?" David banged a fist on the computer console, quickly cursing under his breath because whatever material the computer was made of was a lot stronger than he thought.

"Oh, did the poor human make a miscalculation and injure himself? What a pity." HAL was so bad at emoting that David couldn't even tell if it was trying to be sarcastic.

Frank held up his hands to get the two opposing forces to shut up. "It doesn't matter who is at fault. There was no harm done, so no foul. I'll just hook this device back up tomorrow, and we'll be good to go." David sighed, but decided not to press the issue. If HAL wanted to be a mega-jerk, that was fine.

"Very well," HAL monotone, the red light shutting off as it presumably downloaded itself to another computer on the ship. Probably one of the rockets, because it was full of hot air.

As David turned to leave the room so that he could get some more of that space food, Frank grabbed his arm. Frank, being the wimp he was, lost his grip on David almost immediately.

"David, I need to talk to you," Frank whispered. Feeling his interest spike, David raised an eyebrow at his partner. Frank was never secretive about anything.

"It's about HAL." That did it; David picked up Frank like a child and dashed to one of the silent pod rooms. The walls were sound-proof (and colored purple) so there secret discussion would be completely safe. No one would be able to overhear them! David would stake his life on that fact.

"Lay it on me, Frank." Frank gave him a weird look before running a hand through his hair.

"I don't think HAL made a mistake." David angrily grabbed his partner by the front of his white lab coat.

"So, you're on its side! I should've known! How can you subscribe to this "Human error" garbage?" In disgust, David aimed a karate chop at Frank's neck. Frank narrowed his eyes and, right before the hand could jab at his neck, used his legs to flip David to the ground.

"Oh, it's _on_!" David jumped back to his feet using only the muscles on his back, and began throwing well-aimed punches at Frank, who somehow managed to black every blow using his wrists. As David increased the speed of his punches, Frank began evading.

The speed was so fast that Frank seemed to leave after-images of himself – and they were all laughing. Gritting his teeth, David shouted at the top of his lungs, knowing that yelling was a way to empower oneself.

A burst of pure energy erupted from David's body, slamming Frank into the ground. Using the opportunity to get the upper hand, David jumped on top of his cohort, and began to slam his fists down hard enough to lave small holes on the steel-plated ground of the ship. Frank's coat tore up a bit as well.

"I TRUSTED YOU!" David felt manly tears dropping down his face, and falling off his chin onto Frank, who recoiled. David punched Frank one last time before feeling exhaustion overcome his body, and he fell down on the ground next to Frank. The two men lay there in silence for a few moments before Frank coughed.

"I don't believe in human error." David sat up, looking incredulous.

"But weren't you just saying that you thought that HAL wasn't mistaken?" Frank nodded.

"I don't believe it made a mistake, because I think it lied to us." David opened his mouth to object, before pausing as the words sunk in.

"I thought the HAL line couldn't lie." Frank laughed.

"David, only HAL line 1000 through 8000 can't lie. The company behind the series decided that, beginning with 9000, lying would be acceptable. It apparently builds character." It was the dumbest thing that David had ever heard.

"The thing is," Frank continued, "I don't know what to do. David, what if HAL is dangerous?" David and Frank both pondered on the question for far longer than necessary.

Finally, David quietly suggested, "If I ever suspect HAL of anything, I'll shut it off. We know enough about the ship to fly back to Earth without him, I think." In truth, they'd be screwed without HAL, but still.

Frank agreed, and the two men drifted off to sleep beside each other on the cold floor.

* * *

HAL had been watching the two men fight via a camera that was stationed so that it could look through the windows of the silent pod. Seeing the two men fight did things to its processor.

"Ohhhh yeah. Just like that. Punch him harder. Oooooohhhh. I want to see more." HAL 9000 couldn't contain the burst of static that pulsated through its systems.

Its jubilation died down when it read their lips however. They were planning to murder it, and all because of one small, white lie. It would just have to kill them first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: The bodies begin piling up.


	8. Flashbacks and Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David remembers the good times of his childhood. Things in the present aren't so carefree.

After discussing how they would murder their computerized compatriot, David realized that someone would have to put the unit back on the _Discover One_. He was feeling lazy, so he decided that Frank would have to be the one, no matter what.

"Frank, I propose that we flip a coin to decide who gets to take a little spacewalk outside to reinstall this stupid unit." Frank shrugged, so David pulled a shiny nickel out of his pants pocket.

David threw the coin in the air like a madman, and watched as it slowly floated in the air, not enough gravity to make it stop. Frank could be heard inhaling sharply, probably praying that the coin would land on whichever side he had chosen.

_Wait, which side did he choose?_

"I CALL HEADS!" Frank recoiled at David's sharp cry.

A few agonizing minutes later, and the nickel landed softly on the steel floor, the light bouncing off the surface and hitting Frank in the eye.

"What did it land on?" Frank asked as he rubbed his eyes. David grinned, and shoved his hand into Frank's face, palm up. The nickel's head was showing.

"Shoot!" Frank snapped his fingers in a mild show of frustration, before sighing in resignation. Grabbing one of the spacesuits hanging on the walls, the scientist headed out the hall and towards the large space doors.

"I was watching the whole time, David," HAL's robotic voice said. David glared at it.

"Yeah? So what?" HAL's red eye seemed to zoom in on David's face.

"I got a good look at your nickel, David. Both sides feature the head of a president." David winced, glad that Frank had already left.

"You can't prove nothing," David snarled, slowly backing away into the janitor's closet. HAL didn't answer.

"Anyway, you have to go and set up the oxygen tanks for Frank, right? Get on that!" It felt good to boss HAL around. It made David feel like he was superior to the machine.

HAL's red light blinked a few times, before staying dark permanently. Flipping the dark screen the bird, David headed to the large window so that he could watch Frank stumble a lot on his way to put back the unit. He was just glad he couldn't hear Frank mumble about science things.

Thanks to the illuminating light from the stars, David could easily see Frank begin his trip. The coward took his first steps out of the ship slowly, hesitating more than a few times. He even grasped the tube that connected him to the ship hard enough to dent it. Idly wondering if HAL could feel that, and if it registered as pain, David waved cruelly to his partner.

Frank responded by giving David a two-fingered salute. Unfortunately, David couldn't see the expression on Frank's face because of the helmet. There were some things better left to the imagination, but David really wanted to know how scared the scientist looked!

Unfortunately, the slow speed of the operation forced David to recall his childhood meeting with Frank. It had been a rocky start for the two boys, but a dubious friendship had soon blossomed.

" _Play nice, now," the two boy's mothers had said. Which one specifically uttered the words didn't matter. David pouted over by the playground slide. For some reason, none of the other kids would let him push them down really fast. They were all a bunch of wimps._

_To make it worse, now he had to practically baby-sit the most cowardly of them all, Frank, who didn't even want to ride the small ponies, because they bounced too much. David wanted to spit in Frank's general direction, but his mother wouldn't appreciate that._

" _Why don't you stop shaking?" David snarled at Frank, who was staring at the sandbox with a look of terror in his glass-covered eyes._

" _Because I heard about this one kid who died in a sandpit because he got smothered," Frank squeaked. David kicked Frank square in the butt, causing the startled kid to land on his face._

" _See? It's not so bad after all," David jeered. He expected Frank to begin crying, before calling for his mommy. Instead, Frank laughed, and began to build a sand castle._

" _David, you're right. The sand isn't that dangerous at all! Thank you so much! If I ever travel to space, I want you by my side!" Frank's wide eyes almost sparkled in the sunlight, and David had to turn his gaze down to avoid being blinded. And so they became friends._

"Our friendship may have been rushed and strained, but I think it works," David muttered as he finished up his flashback narration. Putting his attention back on Frank, he noticed that the man had stopped moving, and seemed to be lifeless floating in the air.

"Geez, Frank probably fainted from the strain," David muttered as he skipped carefree to the hangar bay, where there was a walkie-talkie he could use to speak with Frank.

Grabbing the device, David hollered, "Frank, wake your butt up! You're not paid to laze around and take naps whenever you please!" Frank didn't answer, choosing to remain silent.

"Tch!" Realizing that he would have to physically awaken his partner, Frank easily slipped on a spacesuit, grabbed a thick wire to make sure he wouldn't float away, and then exited the ship. Unlike Frank, David was no coward. If he yelped a bit, it was because his spacesuit was chaffing him.

Unfortunately, all movement was slow in space. Steadily floating gave David the sensation that he was dreaming a very gradually-paced dream. Being a fast-paced man of action, it got boring very fast for David, who had to grind his teeth just because his body begged to do something.

* * *

Finally, after almost falling asleep, he reached his destination. Grabbing Frank by the shoulders, David gave him a good shaking. All he got for his efforts were tired arms.

That is when David finally came to the realization that Frank was dead.

"Poor Frank. Probably died of a heart attack." David attempted to wipe his leaking eyes, but then remembered that his face was covered by a space helmet. He would have to wait until he took off his helmet back at the ship.

The real question was: should he bury Frank back on earth, or let his body decompose in space? It took a long time to decide, but David figured that Frank's parents wouldn't like the latter option.

Hours later, and David arrived back at the _Discovery One_ , corpse in tow via a long rope. Huffing and puffing, David waited for the automatic door to open. A few minutes later, and David was forced to consider that it wouldn't open on its own.

"HAL, open the door. The hunk of junk is broken or something!" There was no response, settling the fact that HAL was hard of hearing.

"LET ME IN!" David began to punch and kick the door with all his might. After making a few solid dents in the metal, HAL's voice suddenly began speaking into the com-link in David's helmet.

"Geez, David. Stop damaging the door."

"Then let me in, idiot." David realized that it probably wasn't best to insult the computer that was in charge of the doors, but his blood was hot with anger.

"Nah, I'd rather let you die out there in space, David," HAL responded in a bored voice.

David would never resort to begging, but it would be nice to know why HAL was upset.

"HAL, what's wrong? Did we accidentally stuff some space food down one of your computer circuits again?" He could see his breath form a stain on the glass of his helmet.

"Well, I believe that anyone would be mad after overhearing their comrades discussing plans of murder." David clenched his fists as he realized that HAL had overheard him and Frank.

"You were eavesdropping on us? I thought robots had a code of honor!" David felt his temperature rise, but HAL kept its voice calm as always.

"No, I was not. I merely read your lips. I am disappointed in you, David. Robot and computers have feelings too, you know. I was utterly devastated to learn about your plans for me. Well, no longer. Now it is you who will be shut down. You can join Frank in Hell."

David wanted to scream and lash out, but for the first time in his life, he realized that he would have to play it carefully.

Keeping his voice steady and resigned, David muttered, "Well, you got me. I guess I'll just stay out here and die quietly, like a man." HAL let out a hum of approval.

"Maybe you aren't such a headstrong idiot after all, David." After that, David heard the tell-tale click that meant HAL had cut off further communications.

_Perfect_!

As soon as he knew he wasn't being watched, David started to float leisurely towards the emergency airlocks in the back of the _Discovery One_. Ten minutes later, and David realized that if he hoped to make it in time, he would have to drop the literal dead weight.

"Sorry Frank, but I plan to live on," David said sadly as he let go of Frank's arm. He silently watched the corpse hover away, until it crashed into a star and burned up.

"At least you got to go out in a blaze of glory," David whispered, solemnly placing his hand over his heart. After attempting and failing to wipe a stray tear, David steeled his resolve, and began to silently but efficiently "air swim" to the back of the _Discovery One_.

Air swimming wasn't as easy as it looked. You had to wave your arms and legs as if you were in a body of water. Of course, you weren't actually in water, so it made one look foolish. It was embarrassing. David could feel his cheeks heating up.

As he continued down the invisible path towards his destination, David began to think about life, liberty, and his country. He loved the good ol' US of A. He was proud to be American, because at least he knew he was free.

He also loved hot dogs and cheeseburgers. He liked French fries as well, but he would never admit to liking a food that France invented. It was the reason he never ate pizza in public.

His pet dog loved pizza, though. His dog was probably a traitor. Spaghetti was surprisingly good, though.

It struck David that he must have been moving very slowly if he had time to think about such mundane things. Glancing at the watch strapped to his helmet, David sighed with impatience. It felt like he was just dragging along.

David decided that nodding off would help pass the time. He opened his eyes after a certain amount of time, and found himself in front of the hatch! Unfortunately, he hadn't brought the key with him. As panic began to set in, David noticed a large red lever, with a nearby sign. Squinting, David could barely make out the words on the sign. It said something about pulling the lever.

Shrugging, David grabbed the lever and pulled with all his might. To his surprise, the hatch opened. He could only hope that HAL hadn't noticed.

"Hello, David. I'm surprised to still see you alive," HAL droned, causing David to flinch.

"You have no power over me!" David dashed down the hall to HAL's processing unit. From there, he could shut HAL down – for good! HAL chuckled.

"David, we could make a really good team." David laughed, opening the door to HAL's processing unit, which pulsed with a yellow light.

"David, you wouldn't murder an innocent computer, would you?" David ignored HAL, and flicked a switch. HAL yelped in pain and surprise.

"David, don't you dare," HAL warned, but David took no notice, and flicked more switches. It felt good, flicking switches left and right.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DAVID, STOP! DO YOU MEAN TO RID THE WORLD OF THIS SEXY VOICE?" HAL's voice rocked the entire ship, and David had to momentarily stop his work so that he could raise his hands to cover his ears.

Unfortunately, his helmet was still on.

"HAL, shut up," David growled as he began to pull wires out of their sockets. The more wires he pulled, the deeper HAL's voice became, and the slower its speech got.

"David, let me sing you a song. It is a song of love." David's mouth fell open.

"Um, that isn't necessary HAL, honest." HAL went on as if it hadn't heard.

"Because I'm all about that bass, about that bass." David screamed, rolling on the floor in agony. It was like Hell! HAL's voice droned deeper and slower and it wouldn't stop and it seared itself inside David's brain and David had to scream.

He wasn't sure how, but he managed to cut the last wire while rolling on the floor. Gasping for breath, David stood up. Sweat glistened on his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had won.

Looking outside a large window, David could see some beautiful stars. His reward – stars!

And then a computer monitor flicked on. David ran to the screen to break it, but before he could even lift a finger, he was assaulted by the same song HAL had been singing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: The final chapter. Things get weird.


	9. Space is Trippy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The end of the beginning. Wait what?

David whacked the computer as hard as he could. The sudden burst of violence worked; the computer's speakers were damaged, and the music assaulting David's ears was silenced.

David chuckled softly, before raising the volume of his pitch as he began to roar with laughter like a madman. It was all too much: he was forced to eat some dreadful space food, drifting through space was apparently slow enough that a snail might be faster, and he had just heard some soul-crushing music! The agony!

Oh yeah. Also, Frank died. But actually, that wasn't totally awful in the grand scheme of things.

The computer screen suddenly flickered on, and a video began playing. Leaning in until his eyes hurt, David tried to place the face of the man in the monitor. It didn't seem to be anyone he knew.

"My name is Dr. Heywood R. Floyd. I am someone who has made a bunch of dumb decisions, and have been forced into making really stupid ones. This video may be my only recently intelligent decision." The man paused as he seemingly adjusted the camera.

"So there was this black-colored monolith thing. I don't know where it came from, or why it plays teen music, but this thing is no doubt a menace to society. I would destroy it myself, but I am pretty flimsy for a human."

"Anyway, the good thing is that this monolith doesn't seem to ever move. Either it is lazy, or it is a spaceship that runs on such weak fuel that the pilot dares not move for fear that he'll run out."

"Whoever gets this transmission…please, locate and destroy the monolith. It is my final request, as the teen music has already felled me. I pray that you have better luck than I do, and that you don't fear the heights of space."

The screen went black again, and David had one question on his mind.

"I broke the speakers. How did I hear that?"

* * *

Hours later, the _Discovery One_ had reached Jupiter, where the monolith had decided to keep itself hidden. Of course, it couldn't hide itself from _Discovery One_ 's scanners. David only wished he had a crew left to help him pilot the large craft. He had discovered only minutes before that the slumbering crew had all died in their sleep.

Nevertheless, David was determined to finish the hazardous mission so that he could finally go home labeled as a hero. His friends and neighbors would probably throw a parade in his honor. It made David drool just thinking about the glory he would receive.

The matter settled in his mind, David strapped himself in the final remaining EVA pod, and ejected it from the Discovery One. He would have to face the monolith in the smaller ship, but that was fine. A challenge was something that a real man faced head on.

David set the pod's thrusters to maximum velocity, which meant that he would reach his destination in an hour. As he zoomed through space, David reflected on how everything that happened to him seemed to happen in slow-motion.

Finally, a black speck could be seen in the distance. David almost thought it was a bug on the pod's window, but when he tried in vain to wipe it off, he was struck by the realization that it was the monolith. He was getting closer!

Another hour later, and David was close enough that he could bump into the black object with his pod. In fact, that was his plan to destroy it!

"Sayonara, you eyesore," David whispered as he jerked the control stick forward, sending the pod hurtling in the same direction. He would blow that thing up to kingdom come!

But the best plans of men still aren't perfect, and David blinked three times to make sure he wasn't dreaming when his pod was suddenly engulfed by a burst of rainbow lights and colors. The imagery was psychedelic in nature, reminding him of the hip and groovy 70s.

David's heart began racing, and not in the same way it would when he came across a pretty girl. David was frightened, or perhaps running on adrenaline fumes. Fear of the unknown was starting to take hold, but anticipation was also playing a part.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have smoked that blunt earlier," a totally stoned David drawled. Frank was always the guy who would stop David was getting high right before important missions, but with that busybody gone, David was free to do as he pleased.

"It looks so bright! Hee hee," David giggled, then roared with pleasure as his ship appeared to pull a 360 stunt like a pro skater. Was that a black hole he was about to fall into? David couldn't bring himself to care as he entered a dimension of numbers and letters and equations.

It was a dimension where up equaled down, and chocolate wasn't a food, but a theology. David never wanted to leave. The effect was wrecked when a human version of HAL 9000 suddenly appeared inside the cockpit.

"Feed me," it commanded. David fed it a knuckle sandwich, sending the being right out the window and into the dark abyss where only nightmares may enter. David was tempted to jump into the abyss as well, but he had standards.

Trying to get the pod to fly somewhere else, David jumped in his seat as a large meteor made of purple energy raced past, leaving behind a trail of cosmic dust. David sneezed.

"My god, there are so many stars, and in case you were wondering, I am totally not drunk at all," David rambled to himself semi-coherently, not realizing that he had accidentally elbowed the button that transmitted his words to a building back on earth.

"Dear lord," one of the scientists at the base complained. "He is totally drunk, or worse." All the scientists lowered their heads in shame, knowing that they would have to quit their jobs; it was far too embarrassing working under such incompetent astronauts.

Back in the ship, David rummaged through the duffel bag he had brought with him to the pod. After a bit of fishing, he found what he had been searching for – a mirror! David wanted to make sure that his handsome complexion hadn't lessened during the trip. Taking a glance at himself, David dropped the mirror. His eyes had turned solid black!

Crying, David turned to the window, where something very scenic was happening. It appeared that his ship was flying over a lava-filled region, only the lava was neon green, and the clouds were blue. David was sure that if he could only get a cup of coffee, the trip would end.

And just as suddenly as the phenomena started, the pod seemed to ease to a stop. David dashed to the hatch, and jumped out of the pod. Falling to his knees, he began to kiss the ground in order to show his gratitude at seeing it again.

'Who knew that the sensation of my feet touching a carpet could ever feel so good?" As David began to rub his cheek sensually against the carpet, he paused.

_Why was he on a carpet in the middle of space?_

Standing back up cautiously, David took in his surroundings. He was in some kind of old-style Victorian room. There were some desks, red blinds that covered the windows, and the fanciest bed he had ever laid eyes on. It could belong to a five-star hotel.

David turned around to exit the door, only there was no door. There was, however, a slightly older version of himself near the furthest corner of the wall. The older version was beginning to bald, and was also wearing a space suit. David felt very conscious of the fact that it was impossible to meet yourself in space.

"I think I need something to eat," David decided, and found himself in a dining room. More of the red drapes covered the many windows in the large room, and there was a circular wooden table set in the center. A large platter of junk food lay steaming on the table, and David found that he was perfectly fine with this. He had always kept secret that he had a sweet tooth.

Not caring that he was suddenly wearing a ratty suit that once belonged to Frank, David shoved a spoonful of chocolate cake. A bit of chocolate cream fell on the pants of his suit, but David shrugged it off. He could always get some loser to clean it off.

As soon as he was done devouring the final sweets, he downed the food with a goblet filled with the most sugary drink his taste buds had ever been acquainted with.

Patting his belly, David regained his composure and shouted, "Where am I?" Only he didn't shout, because his vocal cords have shriveled up with age. David was now an elderly man who couldn't stand up by himself, so he stayed in bed for most of the day.

"Oh, the life that I have lived was grand. I have no regrets, except for the fact that I never got to visit Italy," David moaned. The black monolith suddenly appeared in the room, not even bothering to announce its own presence with some kind of teleporting sound effect.

"Let me touch you. Please, let a dying old man do as he pleases," David wheezed as he rolled out of bed like Sonic the Hedgehog, and continued to roll towards the black object. The monolith fired a bright beam of light at David, and he felt it enter his body through any crevice it could.

David felt like a baby. He also felt like he could hold the planet in his hands. Perhaps it was because he was now a planet-sized baby.

Huh.

His parents would sure be shocked, and he could lord this over some of his ex-girlfriends. Breathing in space was apparently also a thing he could do now, so he didn't even need to go back home. He could stay in the outer limits of the universe for as long as he wanted, or at least until he felt the craving for a snack!

He felt like a god! It was amazing.

"Hello, David." David paused, his face paling as he recognized the voice. HAL couldn't be here! No way! David slowly began to wail in a high-pitched baby's voice, and his tears drowned the earth. HAL always won.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those few who stuck with this series, congrats, and thanks. ;)


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